It’s been nine months, and 28 days since that fateful evening when I left a sham of a marriage that I tried too hard to keep for almost eleven years. It happened in a surreal moment and with finality, a baggage was released. Like a bird trapped, the cage door opened and like an eagle I flew.
And I was one. It’s funny how life takes on a different perspective when going solo. After so many years of always trying to do things together, deciding together, and seemingly conjugal…I now do things on my own.
Gone are the movie or TV nights with strained or superficial conversations. I was so sure to miss these regular activities – if only to be up-to-date with the latest movies in theaters or favorite TV series - but I didn’t. Instead, I cherish time spent with my children at the dinner table, or conversations with friends, or reading, reading, reading.
Reading used to be an escape wherein my mind could travel and avoid thinking of problems that persist with no answers at hand. Reading used to be an escape wherein a much exciting narrative overcomes the need for pointless exchanges of words that bear no meaning. Reading now comes with real intent and joy to be engulfed in a totally different world brought by the powerful words of the authors, with the mind dissecting its every word, the heart understanding the nuances and the soul enriched further….
Although long gone, sleepless nights I don’t miss at all. Sleepless nights that turn into daybreak before he arrives; sleepless nights of utmost worry occurring on an almost daily and nightly basis has drained my heart of any love nor willingness to stay in love. My eyes and my cries have long dried up, my emotions long settled and distant… self-preservation at its best.
Alone is GREAT! For with it comes serenity and peace. A calm I haven’t felt in years. A purpose in life that’s attuned to who I really am, what I really want, and how I really want to grow – with myself, my children and loved ones.
About this Post: This post was written November, 2007 as I thought about how far I've gone since the separation.