Mommy. Mader. Nana.
Good afternoon.
I don't think there are enough words nor enough time for me to convey what my thoughts are right now. For how do you capture a life so vivid in a few minutes? The last few days even brought so much more color to my mom's life thru stories heard from all of you and those who were with us at the wake. She had a way of living life in full color and music despite all its challenges and trials, her laughter echoing a mile away as a foremost signal that she was around and everyone would try to join in as if magnetized by that strange, hearty laugh; as if all the troubles of the world could be swept away if we can only laugh as heartily as her.
She was first of all our mommy. She taught our ABCs and 123s -- and even if she herself didn't finish school, she was adamant that we study hard and take school seriously. And since we didn't have much, she was very creative - so I learned my 123s using a deck of cards, my ABCs through scrabble tiles when she played it with Tita Chit and Tita Belita. I got my reading habit from her because every time she would take her siesta, she would give me any reading material she could find (age appropriate or not) to shut me up as she slept. And when my questions on homework or projects would be too much for her - she would simply say that during her time it wasn't taught that way - so I learned very early on to study on my own and search for answers - take note kids, without Google. She was very supportive of all our school activities, borrowing, making coz we couldn't really buy all the time what was needed. And yet somehow we didn't feel any insecurity for she had a way of making it all seem natural. She would be at every contest, program and ceremony silently urging with her smile and more often than not her tearful eyes - and I would do anything to make her proud. I still do. We still do.
She was our Mader. I think we started calling her Mader, as we became older kids since our relationship with her was changing then. She was not just our mommy anymore but also became our best friend and confidant, sometimes partner in crime. My friends and that of my siblings Topet and Kakay became her friends; our house became an open one where anyone was welcome. She became mother hen to a growing brood of teenagers as well as their own friends from St Paul and BNP. That house in Juna witnessed many drinking sessions, emo moments of teenage love and angst, secrets revealed, problems created and solved. Regardless of how my day went, I was always excited to go home so I can tell her stories and she (and Lola Bebeng when she was still alive) would also tell their stories even if these were repetit ones. Wednesdays were special because Tita Nits would come and visit - and I knew for sure we would have good merienda - before going to mass and do the Mother of Perpetual Help novena. As the child who first went away from the brood to go to Manila for college, I always missed home, I always missed her. And this would provide the roots upon which I could fly. And even though it was hard for her and I'm sure she was scared for me - she agreed and pushed me forward, knowing that I will always go home.
She was our Nana. Our mean Nana, as her grandchildren would say. Being a grandmother brought renewed joy to her life. She wasn't the usual grandmother who would spoil. She was "mean" because she loved. She set the bar high for everyone and would accept no less. And if you achieved that bar, she would reset it to something even higher. She nurtured strength of character by delaying gratification, pushing and teasing everyone to perfection, being blatantly real and never condescending. So, to her grandchildren, if you think you had it bad as a kid or with your boyfriends or girlfriends now -- can you imagine what we or our suitors then or Tita Neneng or Tito Sammy had to go thru?
Today maybe the last day we can see her in this world, but there are many memories and lessons by which we can let her continue on in our lives. We have not lost her as she will continue to live in us thru our hearts and memories. I don't know about you guys, but she is the voice of conscience in my mind and she is a very vivid, opinionated and loud voice.
To BNP family, thank you. She has found her true calling when all that she wanted at the start of it all was ride the motorcycle with Kuya Rody to Talomo. But MNI was able to stir her into faith in action. She found her voice when she was always scared to speak before a large group, she learned to study when she never did as a kid, she went places she never would have ventured on her own, she found a family that she could call her own. From Tito Sonny, Tita Lulu, Tito Jackie, Tita Pie, Tito Nonoy to Tita Josie, Tita Lita, Tita Evelyn and many others - thank you for being her true brothers and sisters, for being our second parents. To the Youth group, Julius, Carlo and Elaine to name a few - thank you all for giving her purpose and being her children when we became all grown up, and being with her when we could not. Her life was made more fulfilling with and because of all of you.
It's just the three of us now brother and sister. And though we live far from each other now, we have been more than blessed with a strong enough bond that knows no borders. I thank God everyday that ours is a sibling relationship without much drama and squabbles, but one of real support and love for each other recognizing our own strengths and weaknesses. Sister! Thank you for being there up to the last moment, for your and Tanya's selfless care, your family's support. Brother! Thank you for being in some ways the head of the family, and the Kuya anybody could ever wish for - even if I once chased you with a knife, you have always been there for me and the kids whenever it's most needed.
Mader! I know you have such a joy for life that you almost you didn't want to go. You are so much loved here that the pull to stay was so strong. But we are okay. We know we love you and we miss you already but you are in a much better place now with no pain, where you can freely laugh, sing and dance once more. I don't know if there are cigarettes there still but I'm pretty sure if there's none, it's because there is no need.
I don't know how to end this - because I can continue on and on about you, Mader. But maybe I can just share our last few conversations.... On your behalf, your last sharing...
After my mom's first stroke in July when I visited and she could still sparingly speak, she told me of her dreams. The first one was of travel - she went places, including my house in LGV, the center, and so many other places she's been and also went to a really, really beautiful place with trees and flowers so beautiful she couldn't fully explain. You had conversations with Someone there and even also talked to Belle or Ben (I couldn't really comprehend the name) but nag-sibat say. When I asked her why, she just smiled. The second one was after a really long sleep when I almost wanted to wake her up coz I had to leave already for the airport. She woke up very tired but smiling. When I asked her why she slept so long - she said "Nag Kalbaryo ako (I went to Calvary)." And she told me how tired she was, and how hard it was but she felt very fulfilled after. I thought then that she was given a special grace because of the life she lived. In retrospect, I know now that she had to suffer a bit more perhaps for us, perhaps for a bit more sacrifice that's being asked of her by MNI. The last came in a dream early morning the day before she passed away. My mom and I were together and she was as I remember her best - young, happy and very excited. We were going to Tita Belita's and brought many food items because she liked to eat. We went quite far and when we were almost there she said - Wait! We have to buy imported chocolates kay kantyawan lang tayo nyan kung walang imported." So we stopped at a store and bought some more. She then said, "Let's go!" And I woke up completely calm and happy despite knowing in my heart of hearts that you would soon leave us.
Thank you.
I don't think there are enough words nor enough time for me to convey what my thoughts are right now. For how do you capture a life so vivid in a few minutes? The last few days even brought so much more color to my mom's life thru stories heard from all of you and those who were with us at the wake. She had a way of living life in full color and music despite all its challenges and trials, her laughter echoing a mile away as a foremost signal that she was around and everyone would try to join in as if magnetized by that strange, hearty laugh; as if all the troubles of the world could be swept away if we can only laugh as heartily as her.
She was first of all our mommy. She taught our ABCs and 123s -- and even if she herself didn't finish school, she was adamant that we study hard and take school seriously. And since we didn't have much, she was very creative - so I learned my 123s using a deck of cards, my ABCs through scrabble tiles when she played it with Tita Chit and Tita Belita. I got my reading habit from her because every time she would take her siesta, she would give me any reading material she could find (age appropriate or not) to shut me up as she slept. And when my questions on homework or projects would be too much for her - she would simply say that during her time it wasn't taught that way - so I learned very early on to study on my own and search for answers - take note kids, without Google. She was very supportive of all our school activities, borrowing, making coz we couldn't really buy all the time what was needed. And yet somehow we didn't feel any insecurity for she had a way of making it all seem natural. She would be at every contest, program and ceremony silently urging with her smile and more often than not her tearful eyes - and I would do anything to make her proud. I still do. We still do.
She was our Mader. I think we started calling her Mader, as we became older kids since our relationship with her was changing then. She was not just our mommy anymore but also became our best friend and confidant, sometimes partner in crime. My friends and that of my siblings Topet and Kakay became her friends; our house became an open one where anyone was welcome. She became mother hen to a growing brood of teenagers as well as their own friends from St Paul and BNP. That house in Juna witnessed many drinking sessions, emo moments of teenage love and angst, secrets revealed, problems created and solved. Regardless of how my day went, I was always excited to go home so I can tell her stories and she (and Lola Bebeng when she was still alive) would also tell their stories even if these were repetit ones. Wednesdays were special because Tita Nits would come and visit - and I knew for sure we would have good merienda - before going to mass and do the Mother of Perpetual Help novena. As the child who first went away from the brood to go to Manila for college, I always missed home, I always missed her. And this would provide the roots upon which I could fly. And even though it was hard for her and I'm sure she was scared for me - she agreed and pushed me forward, knowing that I will always go home.
She was our Nana. Our mean Nana, as her grandchildren would say. Being a grandmother brought renewed joy to her life. She wasn't the usual grandmother who would spoil. She was "mean" because she loved. She set the bar high for everyone and would accept no less. And if you achieved that bar, she would reset it to something even higher. She nurtured strength of character by delaying gratification, pushing and teasing everyone to perfection, being blatantly real and never condescending. So, to her grandchildren, if you think you had it bad as a kid or with your boyfriends or girlfriends now -- can you imagine what we or our suitors then or Tita Neneng or Tito Sammy had to go thru?
Today maybe the last day we can see her in this world, but there are many memories and lessons by which we can let her continue on in our lives. We have not lost her as she will continue to live in us thru our hearts and memories. I don't know about you guys, but she is the voice of conscience in my mind and she is a very vivid, opinionated and loud voice.
To BNP family, thank you. She has found her true calling when all that she wanted at the start of it all was ride the motorcycle with Kuya Rody to Talomo. But MNI was able to stir her into faith in action. She found her voice when she was always scared to speak before a large group, she learned to study when she never did as a kid, she went places she never would have ventured on her own, she found a family that she could call her own. From Tito Sonny, Tita Lulu, Tito Jackie, Tita Pie, Tito Nonoy to Tita Josie, Tita Lita, Tita Evelyn and many others - thank you for being her true brothers and sisters, for being our second parents. To the Youth group, Julius, Carlo and Elaine to name a few - thank you all for giving her purpose and being her children when we became all grown up, and being with her when we could not. Her life was made more fulfilling with and because of all of you.
It's just the three of us now brother and sister. And though we live far from each other now, we have been more than blessed with a strong enough bond that knows no borders. I thank God everyday that ours is a sibling relationship without much drama and squabbles, but one of real support and love for each other recognizing our own strengths and weaknesses. Sister! Thank you for being there up to the last moment, for your and Tanya's selfless care, your family's support. Brother! Thank you for being in some ways the head of the family, and the Kuya anybody could ever wish for - even if I once chased you with a knife, you have always been there for me and the kids whenever it's most needed.
Mader! I know you have such a joy for life that you almost you didn't want to go. You are so much loved here that the pull to stay was so strong. But we are okay. We know we love you and we miss you already but you are in a much better place now with no pain, where you can freely laugh, sing and dance once more. I don't know if there are cigarettes there still but I'm pretty sure if there's none, it's because there is no need.
I don't know how to end this - because I can continue on and on about you, Mader. But maybe I can just share our last few conversations.... On your behalf, your last sharing...
After my mom's first stroke in July when I visited and she could still sparingly speak, she told me of her dreams. The first one was of travel - she went places, including my house in LGV, the center, and so many other places she's been and also went to a really, really beautiful place with trees and flowers so beautiful she couldn't fully explain. You had conversations with Someone there and even also talked to Belle or Ben (I couldn't really comprehend the name) but nag-sibat say. When I asked her why, she just smiled. The second one was after a really long sleep when I almost wanted to wake her up coz I had to leave already for the airport. She woke up very tired but smiling. When I asked her why she slept so long - she said "Nag Kalbaryo ako (I went to Calvary)." And she told me how tired she was, and how hard it was but she felt very fulfilled after. I thought then that she was given a special grace because of the life she lived. In retrospect, I know now that she had to suffer a bit more perhaps for us, perhaps for a bit more sacrifice that's being asked of her by MNI. The last came in a dream early morning the day before she passed away. My mom and I were together and she was as I remember her best - young, happy and very excited. We were going to Tita Belita's and brought many food items because she liked to eat. We went quite far and when we were almost there she said - Wait! We have to buy imported chocolates kay kantyawan lang tayo nyan kung walang imported." So we stopped at a store and bought some more. She then said, "Let's go!" And I woke up completely calm and happy despite knowing in my heart of hearts that you would soon leave us.
Thank you.
About this Eulogy: I am practically the official eulogy speaker of the family. I've done several eulogies already for my uncle, aunt and my dad -- but so far, this has been the hardest to make. Until now, I still think I didn't do enough justice in writing this and in speaking about my mom one last time. I started writing the eulogy when I arrived January 16 (my mother died January 13) in Davao City (where I am from), in the wee hours of the morning during the wake when people would already be asleep or have gone home. I finished it on the day of the funeral, January 20, 2016.